I’m a Childless Cat Lady, and We’re Way More Evil Than J.D. Vance Says
Learn more about my meowlevolent ways...
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
I eat the big chips in the bag and leave the splintery dregs for you.
I zip in to steal the parking spot you’ve been patiently waiting for with your hopeful little turn signal. Nice try tho.
I will never learn how to spell your name.
My potato salad contains many raisins but not a grain of salt. I will bring it to every fucking party you throw.
I taught my niece to respect herself.
At the laundromat, I take wet clothes out of the washer and dump them on the dirtiest surface I can find. I’m not even there to do laundry — I’m just a childless cat lady ruining the world.
The wedding dress I wore to your nuptials was hotter than yours. Sorry.
Whenever I’m introduced to a baby, I say, “Wow, that’s my cat’s name!”
I put frosting on a wad of kale and call it cake.
The only flag I worship is my freak one.
I never use a microwave unless it’s communal and stuffed with Dollar Store fish sticks.
I brake for kitties crossing the street, but not the rest of you losers. Let’s go, Grandpa Limps-a-Lot.
The camera on my house points straight into your bedroom. For safety reasons.
I wiped out the dinosaurs. Fellow childless female Jennifer Aniston helped.
I reject texting, but will relentlessly call you on Facetime at my convenience. Which is 2am.
I’ll tell everyone what your real hair color is.
I am 30 minutes late everywhere, and it’s somehow always your fault, asshole.
Because I don’t have kids, I have lots of time to ruin society by calling my cat “my son.”
On Tuesdays, I perform free post-birth abortions in my breakfast nook. BYO bleach.
I write letters to clothing manufacturers demanding they make the pockets in women’s jeans smaller.
I think I should control my own body.
I will wrestle your wimpy brat for the Major League baseball they caught. This wouldn’t happen if you did the work on arm day, Aiden.
Gay people don’t cause hurricanes; my cat and I do a dance that whips up hurricanes, volcano eruptions, and toilet paper shortages.
Instead of taking one donut from the communal box, I will cut three in half.
I made a deepfake of your mom and Moo Deng. It is upsetting.
I always bring my cat on an airplane. Hope you’re not allergic, because he will be sitting in your seat.
My coven invented Comcast.
My childless vagina opens a portal to Zaggul, a demon who hates long hair and prairie dresses.
I’m the president of my HOA.